So, have a lot in my head, over the past few days. An attempt to organize it:
- been crying off and on all day today. Talked to Shannon, Beverly, and the allergist's office. Talked to Shannon yesterday also, after panic attacking at the office and crying all the way home. Worked through a flashback then, among other things. Shannon thinks I have an infection. I don't know what kind.
- When I talked to Beverly: I do have a yeast infection. So, that explains some symptoms. Have one dose of Diflucan in me. Told her I was still hurting, so I'm going to get another bladder instillation treatment on Thursday (possibly with a different drug, if they are able to order it).
- I really didn't want to get another one this soon- didn't want to drive to Columbia again, wanted to give it some more time, I'm afraid I'll have another flashback. One of the infection possibilities is a UTI- I am going to the bathroom more, and I have been catheterized twice. But the going to the bathroom could also be caused by my IC, or by the yeast infection.
- Talked to Shannon about how to make the treatments easier- i.e. by asking Beverly to show me what she's using before she does it. I also plan to ask her to remind me that I'm okay, that she isn't going to hurt me. (Even though I know these things, it helps to hear them).
- Allergist: I had skin allergy testing yesterday. Pricks on my back, and intradermal on my arm. Came out as only being allergic to dust mites. When I got home, I found two reactions on my back- if I was only allergic to one thing, what's up with that?
- I called them today, and eventually rambled to a triage nurse for twelve minutes. (feel kind of bad about that. I wasn't mean, just...long-winded.) She said that I hadn't shown any reactions on my back, so they'd done more intense tests on my arm, and that had shown only the dust mites. And that the places on my back might be just irritation from the skin pricks.
- This doesn't make sense to me. One, I know I'm allergic to other things- my nose runs when I go outside and the grass has been cut. Also, that explanation of allergy testing- how can they test everything on my arm- it was only about twelve places, as opposed to like forty on my back (totally making up these numbers). They would have to combine them. I thought the deal was, they saw where there were mild reactions on my back and then looked for more intense ones on my arm.
- I think it's possible I didn't react to some things I am allergic to for a couple of reasons. 1- I take a while. When I've had severe food/drug reactions, it takes over an hour (most people, it's a few minutes). Also, I've just moved- I think Charlotte and Columbia are pretty similar in terms of plants, but that could be a factor.
- I don't think I'm communicating well with my allergist, Dr. O'Connor. The first time I saw her, I felt really intimidated and didn't say much. This time, she just came in a couple times while they were doing the testing. Also said they were going to do "a pokey-poke on your arm" which kinda pissed me off. I'm not six.
- The triage nurse said they'd talk to her again on Friday. But playing telephone with other people isn't effective. I think I need to make an appointment with her soon. Say, my primary concern is to not get sinus infections anymore. I want to ensure my allergy testing was accurate and these are my concerns. I know my body. I do have PTSD so sometimes I get scared about things. Etc.
- I think I can actually solve this problem.
- Infection: When I get sick, i.e. a UTI or a sinus infection, I get wacky mentally. I.e. the crying jags are pretty typical, as is the rambling. I tend to be more irritable also. So yeah, I am probably sick. My throat is kinda sore. Slightly congested. I looked at my throat to see if it was white (i.e. strep). It's not, but my tongue is. Which suggests thrush. The past times I've gotten thrush, it's been an opportunistic infection after taking antibiotics. But then again, so have my yeast infections. Neither of those mess with my head.
- So, if it's thrush, why the hell do I have that, since I haven't been on antibiotics in a couple weeks? I can think of all sorts of scary reasons why.
- Not sure what course to take in finding out what's wrong with me. The past two times I've seen Beverly, I haven't had a UTI. But, sometimes they take a while to show with me, or it might be new. So, I could wait till Thursday and have her check. Possibly she could even treat it (like a shot...or something scarier...)
- If it isn't a UTI, I could try to get an appointment Friday morning with Dr. Taylor. To check for strep. If it isn't that, I don't know what the hell it is.
- Since I'm scaring myself, I could try to get an appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Taylor. To be honest, UTI is the most likely possibility. But I don't know why the thrush has popped up again. That's what's scaring me- is there something wrong with my immune system or something?
- Work. I'm going to an education conference tomorrow to try to find clients- we have lots of free users in the education industry, couple paid. Tomorrow night I have a marketing association happy hour thing. Friday afternoon my boss Alan and I have a client meeting. That night our office building is going to a Bobcats game.
- Alan- I need to be honest with him. Today I worked from home- I told him it was because I was car shopping. Which was basically a lie. He doesn't mind me working from home- last week he told me to because we had a big client in and our current office only holds three people. But I didn't move to Charlotte to stay in the house. Being by myself isn't good, but it was stay at home and cry (and watch SVU, which is bad), or go in the bathroom to cry plus drive in the traffic and cry.
- Anyway, I need to tell him something. Like, I'm fighting some chronic illnesses and have ended up going to the doctor more often than I thought I would need to. Some days it's hard for me to drive in, but I can be productive from home? Or some days I have appointments and I'm in other parts of town so I can work from coffee shops? The problem is when I feel like crap, mentally or physically, and can't/don't drag myself in to work. I don't know if it's a problem- I don't think it is, and I do work- but I want to be honest about the reason I'm doing it. I'll have to work on this.
- Car thing. My dad told me this weekend he was going to come up today so we could swap out cars and I could go buy the car I'd picked out. He told me this morning that no, he didn't tell me that.
- I'm trying to tell myself that my parents are being awesome by letting me use their car. And by giving me money towards my new one. But I always hated it when they didn't keep their word when I was a kid. And I hate it now. He did tell me he'd come up today.
- Now, since I'm going down to Columbia Thursday, the new plan is to for the two of us to go up to the dealer and get it then.
- But, the dealer doesn't take personal checks. Or credit cards. Which is not only a pain (getting a cashier's check- from the bank I guess?) but makes me somewhat suspicious.
- So, I'm going to have to go over to the dealer between my two events tomorrow. Check out the car and make certain that I like it. See if they will cut me any deal on the price. If I decide for sure they aren't shady, fill out any paperwork I can in advance, because we'll be cutting it close time-wise on Thursday.
Friday should be good- hopefully my infection will be a UTI and I will have started treatment. If not, hopefully I can get an appointment with Dr. Taylor and it will be a simple fix. And the Bobcats game will be fun.
I can do this. Every night I look at my picture of Mariska, and the picture of me with Amanda, and remember how strong they are, and promise them that I am strong too. I am strong too.
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