Brave

I think this deserves its own entry.

I saw Beverly today. My appointment was at 9:30 meaning I left Fort Mill slightly after 8. Between waiting in the lobby, getting vitals and a urine sample, waiting in the lobby again, and waiting in an exam room, I think I waited almost two hours. Not normal in their office. My prevailing thought was, 'If I'd known this, I could've left later and maybe gotten more sleep!'

I was pretty calm though. My blood pressure was 100/60. Entertained myself online, wearing my phone down.

Beverly came in, and we talked about a lot of things- changing the dosage of my meds, my diet- I don't even try to stick to an IC diet cause it's really restricted and I try not to spend too much on food. Also my job and her son-in-law who's a police officer in Fort Mill.

At some point she brought up bladder instillations, which are medications placed into the bladder through a catheter to treat IC. And I said, if my insurance company approves it, and you do it, I'll go for it.

So then I waited in the lab area while the office people talked to my insurance company. And at one point, Beverly was talking to me and someone else and said, 'see if we can schedule this.' I said 'Thursdays,' and she said, 'Today.'

And I'm going, 'Ohhh. Oh. I didn't know you meant today. Right now. Okay.' so, I asked how long it would take- it was 12-something at this point- and Beverly said '5 minutes'.

I went out to the car, ate a fruit-fiber bar, took some Ativan, and got my phone charger and a pair of socks.
Went to the bathroom, then into another exam room.

I don't think it was so much getting naked- by this point I've done that so often for Beverly, more than for any other person. It was what she was going to do, something I'd never experienced before.

By the time I got undressed and music and everything, I think I only waited 5 minutes for Beverly. When she told me to slide down, I told her I was scared. And she said, "I know. But I'm gonna talk you through it."

Which, she did. Really, the thing I felt the most was her swabbing me with Betadyne. Beverly is very, very good at what she does.

And, I stayed there. I didn't dissociate. I could feel her touching me, I could hear her talking to me. I talked back- mostly 'okay' and 'what?' but once when she said, 'it's not gonna hurt you', I said, 'I know you aren't going to hurt me.'

When she was done, she put her arm around me and helped me sit up (which I think is a really compassionate thing for her to do.) and she asked how I was doing, if I was okay. I just went, I don't know, I don't know. And she told me I did so much better than I used to do.

When she walked me out of the exam room the first time, I asked her for a hug- she gives really good hugs. She told me she was glad I moved because I was doing so well. That she missed me.

Shannon once said Beverly was a fluke of a person. This is true, because I cannot imagine anyone more wonderful at what she does- her technical skills, her compassion, just her very being. Sometimes I can't believe I have her to help me.

After the instillation, I lay on the table for a few minutes, debriefing. I could feel the solution leaking out of my body, which was freaky. I got a pad from the bathroom, and drove to Shannon's office. By then I was dissociating.

It was over an hour until my appointment. I asked one of her receptionists, Anne- they're both awesome and have seen me in a range of moods- if I could sit somewhere and wait for Shannon. She told me which office was empty. Got a drink, some chicken salad sandwiches- okay, I know this place well- watched Stargate, waited for my appointment.

Shannon made me process what had just happened with her- kind of weird, since I hadn't processed it at all. One thing stuck out to me- she said, "If I had asked you last night if you would let Beverly do this today, I bet you would have said no." but I wouldn't have.

I made a point not to obsess over it, but I knew it was a possibility I might need a bladder treatment, might need to be catheterized, when I made the appointment with Beverly. I've known that since I was diagnosed with IC and researched it, really.

I trust Beverly, pretty much completely. And I also want to get better. At this point, the bladder instillation, in her hands, was the best option for making me better. So I made that choice. It still feels kinda unreal, can't believe I did it. Can't believe I got catheterized, something that has terrified me, because things aren't supposed to go there. But I made a choice, for me, and I believe it was a good choice.

Shannon told me too that I was so much better in these situations, that I didn't overthink it, that she was impressed.

I do feel better. I don't have back/side/pelvic pain right now. I am a little sore, from the catheterization I think. I went to the bathroom once at Shannon's- I think letting out the solution- and I've been either once or twice since then.

Beverly said the first treatment might work, or I might have to come back for more. The stats I found online on how long relief lasts and how well are conflicting. But, if I have to go see Beverly for more treatments, I think I can deal with that.

I did good today. I coped with first a frustrating situation. And then a really scary situation, and I did it well. I'm good.