Doctors, medical people, ones I like and trust, are safe for me. The first person I told I'd been abused was a doctor. At one point I seriously wanted to be one.

But also scary. Touch is something I've only recently come to like and want. I also still need control.

In Columbia I had two main people I saw. A GYN nurse practicioner named Beverly for interstitial cystitis (bladder disease) and GYN stuff. Beverly is an insanely awesome person. I let her do a pelvic exam on me the first time I met her- which is unfathomable, I never trust people that much right off the bat. She talks to me on the phone herself for like ten minutes, asks me about work, knows when and where to touch me, gives me hugs if I ask, knows my history, tells me she's proud of me. Fucking. Awesome. And I love her. I plan to keep seeing her, for yearly exams if nothing else.

My primary care provider was named Dr. Birdsong. Very sweet, always looking after me as a whole person, empathetic. I saw her for six years, for a variety of things; at one point she was prescribing my antidepressants. When I left Columbia I was battling chronic sinus infections. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find anyone here that I liked as much as Dr. Birdsong. For reasons of practicality though-I.e. driving to Columbia every time I was sick would suck- I decided to.

My new doctor here is named Dr. Lori Taylor. I like her, and the trust I guess is a process. When I met her, I said, "you have to tell me what you are going to do before you touch me." which she has been excellent at, very respectful of my boundaries. I could articulate the reasons I like her, and am choosing to trust her. But I can read people. I know if they're okay. And she is.

I ended up seeing her three times in two weeks- not the impression I was going for. First visit, later that week a UTI plus I got in my wreck, next week the UTI hadn't gone away. Third time I gave her a note saying I was nervous about new people, that I would just talk (as opposed to me answering questions monosyllabically), to ask me if there was anything I was embarrassed about, that I would try to answer her questions even if it was hard. And, that I was kickass. I felt like that visit went much better communication wise.

I'm going to see Dr. Taylor tomorrow, which is the point of all this background. Had some viral crap and now I can't stop coughing and my ear hurts. I have a lot of feelings about going to see her.

-What if I'm wrong and I don't need antibiotics? I feel like it's the worst thing in the world to be wrong in this instance.

-I finished the antibiotics for the UTI. But I'm having symptoms again. I don't know if it's a UTI or an IC flareup or a yeast infection or some combination thereof. I don't know if I should bring it up since I'm in there for something else. I don't know if I should be going to Beverly with this since she's the specialist and I don't know how much Dr. Taylor treats this.

-Okay, I'm scared to bring it up. Because some of the treatments for IC are scary and involve putting stuff inside you. And even though Dr. Taylor is very very respectful of my boundaries- last time when she touched my stomach she did it through my clothes- I'm scared she'll want to do one of those.

I want to live in Charlotte as much as possible, not Columbia. And I want one doctor who looks after all my conditions, and I've picked Dr. Taylor for that. She can call Beverly and ask her about my treatment...

-God, tears are coming to my eyes writing this. I'm obviously going to have to bring this up tomorrow. Even if to just ask if I should make another appointment to talk about it.

-Which brings me to: part of me wants to go see Dr. Taylor. Because I'm lonely, and I don't really have people here I trust enough to ask for hugs (I miss being touched), and on some level it makes me feel safe and just better. And I think about this a lot when I'm sick.

-I hate this about myself. Normal people don't think like this. I know this. I try to distract myself and really I only think so much at night when I'm not busy. If I could just get physically well my thinking would be logical and I wouldn't have a reason to go and this among many other things would be better.

-I just wanna be better. I'm sick of being sick, when I'm sick I feel like I've been sick all my life. I have better things to do. I have chronic illnesses do I have to be acutely ill all the time too?

- just..fucking better.