Nettie in the Queen City

Today was looong. Went to a conference on education and technology. Looking for clients. Met some cool people- someone who works at the library and is interested in mailVU. I'm interested personally in the library- they have no TV shows on DVD. None. Also someone with a woman's group doing journalism on the DNC.

Then, I went to the car dealership to check out the Hyundai Accent I'm buying tomorrow. Rather odd experience. Asked to talk to the woman I'd been emailing- she'd just left to get contact solution. Okay. They try to call her, no one answers, then someone else answers. So, three other people are helping me- I want to know the total price of the car, if I can bring it down, if I can transfer my old tag, plus the iPod connector isn't syncing my phone. The main guy helping me is inattentive, taking calls, generally taking forever. Ugh. But, I want this car, and I think the price is fair. And I got him to take my business card.

After that, I had a networking event, Charlotte Marketing Association. Was starting to fade. But, made some more good connections.

Talked to Beverly again, several times. She called heparin in to the CVS here and I picked it up (barely made it!) so, we're going to try that as an instillation tomorrow.

Just realized I'm using "we". Shannon and I talked about who was in control when Beverly gives me these treatments. I feel like I'm giving up control, of my body. She says at most it's shared control. And trusting Beverly to take care of me, knowing she'd stop if I told her to, trusting that she's doing what she is to help me. And I absolutely trust her. So yeah, it is shared control, it's "we".

Anyway. Got through the day without crying- guess the distractions- but faded about four- and about eight my brain just shut off. Trying to drive, trying to think. As in, the wine glass is useless without wine.

I hurt, and am swollen, right under my jaw- guess the lymph nodes there? Also brilliantly realized that if I wanted to see my throat, I needed to say, "ahhh" like at the doctor's. It is indeed white. So strep seems probable.

It is not illogical that I am sick. My roommate is a teacher. I meet a lot of people. Dr. Taylor said that moving might mean being sick more often than usual. Even the yeast infection- I forgot to eat yogurt a couple of days, and with the Mirena I may have gotten a few without antibiotics.

But now strep? I'm not sure if I have thrush also or if that's strep. But if I do that's odd. Scary. It's like my body's been defending and defending against these sinus infections, and the YIs. And then the UTIs and thrush. And now it's getting tired.

Not scientific. But how I feel. Tired- mentally, and physically- of fighting infections. And the antibiotics are tired too...

Anyway. I'm seeing Dr. Taylor on Friday morning. I'll tell her all this, hopefully in a coherent manner.

So, have a lot in my head, over the past few days. An attempt to organize it:

• been crying off and on all day today. Talked to Shannon, Beverly, and the allergist's office. Talked to Shannon yesterday also, after panic attacking at the office and crying all the way home. Worked through a flashback then, among other things. Shannon thinks I have an infection. I don't know what kind.
• When I talked to Beverly: I do have a yeast infection. So, that explains some symptoms. Have one dose of Diflucan in me. Told her I was still hurting, so I'm going to get another bladder instillation treatment on Thursday (possibly with a different drug, if they are able to order it).
•  I really didn't want to get another one this soon- didn't want to drive to Columbia again, wanted to give it some more time, I'm afraid I'll have another flashback. One of the infection possibilities is a UTI- I am going to the bathroom more, and I have been catheterized twice.  But the going to the bathroom could also be caused by my IC, or by the yeast infection. 
• Talked to Shannon about how to make the treatments easier- i.e. by asking Beverly to show me what she's using before she does it. I also plan to ask her to remind me that I'm okay, that she isn't going to hurt me. (Even though I know these things, it helps to hear them).
• Allergist: I had skin allergy testing yesterday. Pricks on my back, and intradermal on my arm. Came out as only being allergic to dust mites. When I got home, I found two reactions on my back- if I was only allergic to one thing, what's up with that? 
• I called them today, and eventually rambled to a triage nurse for twelve minutes. (feel kind of bad about that. I wasn't mean, just...long-winded.) She said that I hadn't shown any reactions on my back, so they'd done more intense tests on my arm, and that had shown only the dust mites. And that the places on my back might be just irritation from the skin pricks.
• This doesn't make sense to me. One, I know I'm allergic to other things- my nose runs when I go outside and the grass has been cut. Also, that explanation of allergy testing- how can they test everything on my arm- it was only about twelve places, as opposed to like forty on my back (totally making up these numbers). They would have to combine them. I thought the deal was, they saw where there were mild reactions on my back and then looked for more intense ones on my arm. 
• I think it's possible I didn't react to some things I am allergic to for a couple of reasons. 1- I take a while. When I've had severe food/drug reactions, it takes over an hour (most people, it's a few minutes). Also, I've just moved- I think Charlotte and Columbia are pretty similar in terms of plants, but that could be a factor.
• I don't think I'm communicating well with my allergist, Dr. O'Connor. The first time I saw her, I felt really intimidated and didn't say much. This time, she just came in a couple times while they were doing the testing. Also said they were going to do "a pokey-poke on your arm" which kinda pissed me off. I'm not six. 
• The triage nurse said they'd talk to her again on Friday. But playing telephone with other people isn't effective. I think I need to make an appointment with her soon. Say, my primary concern is to not get sinus infections anymore. I want to ensure my allergy testing was accurate and these are my concerns. I know my body. I do have PTSD so sometimes I get scared about things. Etc.
• I think I can actually solve this problem.
• Infection: When I get sick, i.e. a UTI or a sinus infection, I get wacky mentally. I.e. the crying jags are pretty typical, as is the rambling. I tend to be more irritable also. So yeah, I am probably sick. My throat is kinda sore. Slightly congested. I looked at my throat to see if it was white (i.e. strep). It's not, but my tongue is. Which suggests thrush. The past times I've gotten thrush, it's been an opportunistic infection after taking antibiotics. But then again, so have my yeast infections. Neither of those mess with my head.
• So, if it's thrush, why the hell do I have that, since I haven't been on antibiotics in a couple weeks? I can think of all sorts of scary reasons why. 
• Not sure what course to take in finding out what's wrong with me. The past two times I've seen Beverly, I haven't had a UTI. But, sometimes they take a while to show with me, or it might be new. So, I could wait till Thursday and have her check. Possibly she could even treat it (like a shot...or something scarier...)
• If it isn't a UTI, I could try to get an appointment Friday morning with Dr. Taylor. To check for strep. If it isn't that, I don't know what the hell it is.
• Since I'm scaring myself, I could try to get an appointment tomorrow afternoon with Dr. Taylor. To be honest, UTI is the most likely possibility. But I don't know why the thrush has popped up again. That's what's scaring me- is there something wrong with my immune system or something?
• Work. I'm going to an education conference tomorrow to try to find clients- we have lots of free users in the education industry, couple paid. Tomorrow night I have a marketing association happy hour thing. Friday afternoon my boss Alan and I have a client meeting. That night our office building is going to a Bobcats game.
• Alan- I need to be honest with him. Today I worked from home- I told him it was because I was car shopping. Which was basically a lie. He doesn't mind me working from home- last week he told me to because we had a big client in and our current office only holds three people. But I didn't move to Charlotte to stay in the house. Being by myself isn't good, but it was stay at home and cry (and watch SVU, which is bad), or go in the bathroom to cry plus drive in the traffic and cry. 
• Anyway, I need to tell him something. Like, I'm fighting some chronic illnesses and have ended up going to the doctor more often than I thought I would need to. Some days it's hard for me to drive in, but I can be productive from home? Or some days I have appointments and I'm in other parts of town so I can work from coffee shops? The problem is when I feel like crap, mentally or physically, and can't/don't drag myself in to work. I don't know if it's a problem- I don't think it is, and I do work- but I want to be honest about the reason I'm doing it. I'll have to work on this.
• Car thing. My dad told me this weekend he was going to come up today so we could swap out cars and I could go buy the car I'd picked out. He told me this morning that no, he didn't tell me that.
• I'm trying to tell myself that my parents are being awesome by letting me use their car. And by giving me money towards my new one. But I always hated it when they didn't keep their word when I was a kid. And I hate it now. He did tell me he'd come up today. 
• Now, since I'm going down to Columbia Thursday, the new plan is to for the two of us to go up to the dealer and get it then.
• But, the dealer doesn't take personal checks. Or credit cards. Which is not only a pain (getting a cashier's check- from the bank I guess?) but makes me somewhat suspicious.
• So, I'm going to have to go over to the dealer between my two events tomorrow. Check out the car and make certain that I like it. See if they will cut me any deal on the price. If I decide for sure they aren't shady, fill out any paperwork I can in advance, because we'll be cutting it close time-wise on Thursday.

I think that's it. So, tomorrow: I have to pull it together for a long day. Hopefully the distraction, and treating the yeast will help. Thursday, the current plan is to drive to Columbia, see Beverly, then Shannon, drive back to Charlotte (I'll make my dad actually drive), then buy my new car. I guess that's exciting; I've been viewing it as a pain. But I plan to name it with a Harry Potter spell!

Friday should be good- hopefully my infection will be a UTI and I will have started treatment. If not, hopefully I can get an appointment with Dr. Taylor and it will be a simple fix. And the Bobcats game will be fun.

I can do this. Every night I look at my picture of Mariska, and the picture of me with Amanda, and remember how strong they are, and promise them that I am strong too. I am strong too.

Having several chronic illnesses, I see several health care providers, pretty often. And having a background of being hurt, thus pretty major trust issues, I require them to be not just good, and competent, but awesome.

Through referrals, research, and I think a lot of luck, the people I see regularly, are indeed awesome. I am especially fond of my GYN nurse practitioner, Beverly.

When my primary care doctor two years ago, Dr. Birdsong, thought I had interstitial cystitis, she referred me to a urogynecologist. I had an okay first visit, but the second, well, I think I caught her on a bad day. Anyway, one day when I'd started going to that clinic, I was in an insane amount of pain. Desperate. Called them, and Beverly was available.

I have a pretty good ability to judge people when I meet them. Beverly wanted to help me that first time, because I was hurting, but she didn't push me. She asked me if she could touch me through my clothes. And I agreed to let her do a pelvic exam, because it would help her help me. She was incredibly gentle, and helped me get out of pain. I was boggled that I did that, trusted someone so much that I just met.

I started seeing her for my IC, and then my GYN stuff. And she has helped me so much. Physically- I now have a Mirena after years of trying different BC pills, and I'm starting to think my IC may finally be controllable. And emotionally? I don't know how the woman does what she does. She knows my major life events, and I've told her stuff about my body that I didn't think I could tell anyone but Shannon.

Thursday I had another bladder instillation done, because the one last week helped. I got back really fast this time, kinda wanted more time to mentally prepare myself. And while she's doing it, she's talking to me, and I'm actually able to talk back, make conversation. Even though it hurts this time.

Beverly told me to lie there and let the solution "soothe my bladder" for a while. Which felt good actually. Then I went in her office to talk to her, told her I felt like I had a yeast infection but I wasn't sure. She said, "I wish you'd told me that while we were in there cause I could have done a culture." "Well, if that's what you need to do..." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, okay."

So, surprising myself, I went back in the same room, and took my pants off again, and got back in the same position again. I had my eyes closed, because I didn't want to watch what Beverly was doing, and I didn't know what else to look at. I was kinda freaking out. I went, "What are you putting in me?" and Beverly went, bringing me back, "Nettie. Look at it. Look at it. It's just a Q-tip."

I saw an OB-GYN MD before I saw Beverly, who was pretty good with me. From what I've heard, I don't think she's as good with everybody. I think my personality helps people be empathetic- they can tell I'm a survivor and they want to help. And I'm also smart, and funny, and generally awesome. I was eventually able to tell that GYN I was a survivor, and other things.

But Beverly is different. My first GYN I would have gone, I already let you examine me once, no way in hell you're doing it twice in one day. I know some of that is me changing, also. When Beverly talks to me, she knows to pat me on the knee or shoulder. I make her laugh. When I ask her for hugs, she likes giving them to me. She tells me she misses me now that I've moved. And often, how much I've improved, and that she's proud of me.

Shannon says that women's health specialists are close to therapists. Now that I wrote that, I realized that just as Shannon will never judge me, Beverly won't either. Which is important as we keep working together to best treat my IC, and me.

Beverly made a point to say that while she was glad we found a treatment "that you like" -"I wouldn't say like!" it was up to me when to get the instillations, how often, that she'd do it whenever I felt comfortable doing it. Putting me in control, in charge.

I am a control freak. I have to give up control when she's examining me and now, giving me treatments. And I don't think that will ever be easy, or not scary. But when I'm giving control to Beverly, I think it's okay.

I know my boundaries. I don't want to be her friend. And even though I think mailVU could improve every business I come across, I don't want to do that either. I am just so freaking lucky, and grateful, to have the relationship with her that I do. Because she rocks. (And so do I. I do!)

Yesterday was Ignite Charlotte. The idea of Ignite is "enlighten us but make it quick". MailVU was a sponsor; we also had a demo booth.

Got there at 3:30 to help set up. Hung out a bit until people started arriving and I persuaded them into the demo booth.

Met some (mainly Twitter) friends there. which was majorly cool, and made some new friends.

The past few days we've had a major client, Paul, in the office (because our current office is so small I was 'banished' to working at home). He's British but works in South Korea.

He came to Ignite also, then we went to a Cajun restaurant afterwards and had Hurricanes (I stuck with Category 1). He has a real breadth of knowledge- American politics, British politics, education, sports.

Thing he said that struck me the most: the London sewer systems were built 150 years ago, and the engineer planned for this population growth. My immediate thought: Helen Magnus totally did that!

St. Patrick's Day in Columbia- 5 Points- is always awesome. I went with my sister Janna; we watched Crossfade. Then I met up with my friend Paige and listened to some country band she liked. Met back up with Janna and listened to Hinder for a while.

Then we really started. Janna and I went into a bar, Group Therapy. I had a partial flashback- was a little drunk- but she didn't want to go. So I got really, really drunk. Janna was buying, this guy she met, Reid was buying, this guy I met (I don't remember his name) was buying. (I don't believe in getting drunk on drinks I buy at bars. Too expensive.)

Eventually we started walking back to Janna's house. Made it to Reid's first. He played with her feet and I played with his dog. At Janna's house, her supposed-to-be roommate, Amanda, was there, also drunk. I shortly passed out on Janna's bed and Amanda at some point passed out in a sleeping bag. Also at some point Janna left because Amanda was annoying her. I assume she went back to Reid's.

I got up the next day, drove back to my parents', slept forever before driving back up to Charlotte. Got a little sunburned. Had a good time with my sister and my friends and some strangers.

Good times.

I think this deserves its own entry.

I saw Beverly today. My appointment was at 9:30 meaning I left Fort Mill slightly after 8. Between waiting in the lobby, getting vitals and a urine sample, waiting in the lobby again, and waiting in an exam room, I think I waited almost two hours. Not normal in their office. My prevailing thought was, 'If I'd known this, I could've left later and maybe gotten more sleep!'

I was pretty calm though. My blood pressure was 100/60. Entertained myself online, wearing my phone down.

Beverly came in, and we talked about a lot of things- changing the dosage of my meds, my diet- I don't even try to stick to an IC diet cause it's really restricted and I try not to spend too much on food. Also my job and her son-in-law who's a police officer in Fort Mill.

At some point she brought up bladder instillations, which are medications placed into the bladder through a catheter to treat IC. And I said, if my insurance company approves it, and you do it, I'll go for it.

So then I waited in the lab area while the office people talked to my insurance company. And at one point, Beverly was talking to me and someone else and said, 'see if we can schedule this.' I said 'Thursdays,' and she said, 'Today.'

And I'm going, 'Ohhh. Oh. I didn't know you meant today. Right now. Okay.' so, I asked how long it would take- it was 12-something at this point- and Beverly said '5 minutes'.

I went out to the car, ate a fruit-fiber bar, took some Ativan, and got my phone charger and a pair of socks.
Went to the bathroom, then into another exam room.

I don't think it was so much getting naked- by this point I've done that so often for Beverly, more than for any other person. It was what she was going to do, something I'd never experienced before.

By the time I got undressed and music and everything, I think I only waited 5 minutes for Beverly. When she told me to slide down, I told her I was scared. And she said, "I know. But I'm gonna talk you through it."

Which, she did. Really, the thing I felt the most was her swabbing me with Betadyne. Beverly is very, very good at what she does.

And, I stayed there. I didn't dissociate. I could feel her touching me, I could hear her talking to me. I talked back- mostly 'okay' and 'what?' but once when she said, 'it's not gonna hurt you', I said, 'I know you aren't going to hurt me.'

When she was done, she put her arm around me and helped me sit up (which I think is a really compassionate thing for her to do.) and she asked how I was doing, if I was okay. I just went, I don't know, I don't know. And she told me I did so much better than I used to do.

When she walked me out of the exam room the first time, I asked her for a hug- she gives really good hugs. She told me she was glad I moved because I was doing so well. That she missed me.

Shannon once said Beverly was a fluke of a person. This is true, because I cannot imagine anyone more wonderful at what she does- her technical skills, her compassion, just her very being. Sometimes I can't believe I have her to help me.

After the instillation, I lay on the table for a few minutes, debriefing. I could feel the solution leaking out of my body, which was freaky. I got a pad from the bathroom, and drove to Shannon's office. By then I was dissociating.

It was over an hour until my appointment. I asked one of her receptionists, Anne- they're both awesome and have seen me in a range of moods- if I could sit somewhere and wait for Shannon. She told me which office was empty. Got a drink, some chicken salad sandwiches- okay, I know this place well- watched Stargate, waited for my appointment.

Shannon made me process what had just happened with her- kind of weird, since I hadn't processed it at all. One thing stuck out to me- she said, "If I had asked you last night if you would let Beverly do this today, I bet you would have said no." but I wouldn't have.

I made a point not to obsess over it, but I knew it was a possibility I might need a bladder treatment, might need to be catheterized, when I made the appointment with Beverly. I've known that since I was diagnosed with IC and researched it, really.

I trust Beverly, pretty much completely. And I also want to get better. At this point, the bladder instillation, in her hands, was the best option for making me better. So I made that choice. It still feels kinda unreal, can't believe I did it. Can't believe I got catheterized, something that has terrified me, because things aren't supposed to go there. But I made a choice, for me, and I believe it was a good choice.

Shannon told me too that I was so much better in these situations, that I didn't overthink it, that she was impressed.

I do feel better. I don't have back/side/pelvic pain right now. I am a little sore, from the catheterization I think. I went to the bathroom once at Shannon's- I think letting out the solution- and I've been either once or twice since then.

Beverly said the first treatment might work, or I might have to come back for more. The stats I found online on how long relief lasts and how well are conflicting. But, if I have to go see Beverly for more treatments, I think I can deal with that.

I did good today. I coped with first a frustrating situation. And then a really scary situation, and I did it well. I'm good.

Today went as well as it possibly could have, I think. Got some work done in the morning. Then put on a skirt, did my hair, put on makeup, and drove to Chester County for traffic court. Yes, I was going for sex appeal.

And it worked. I told the officer- 'I don't remember what happened- I could have hit someone, a deer could have hit me, someone could have tried to merge and hit me. I think you should err on the side of innocence.' He said, 'I think you hit a tractor trailer [probably] but since you were the only car involved and no one else has come forward, I'm going to drop it.' so yay! No fine, no points!

I then had plenty of time to make it back to my 4:00 appointment in Charlotte with Dr. Taylor. She told me I looked pretty. (I usually go in there on my work at home days, in exercise pants and T-shirts). I asked her if there was something else we could be doing, besides the cycle of antibiotics and opportunistic infections. She talked about the allergy shots, treating the underlying cause. Also said that moving might cause me to have more infections for a while- a year- while my immunity adjusts to the infections in the area. I'm going, 'I thought moving would make it better!' then she told me, 'when I moved, I was sick for a year. My office manger thought she'd gotten a sick doctor!'

I also told her, 'I'm going to see my GYN in Columbia tomorrow about my IC, cause she's been handling that.' her only reaction was to tell me to drive safely when I left. When she was examining me, I felt a little scared and had to tell myself, it's okay, it's okay. But I was like that with Dr. Birdsong too.

Dr. Taylor gave me steroids, which I find preferable right now to more antibiotics. But she did give me an antibiotic prescription, plus a Diflucan prescription, to take later if I need. So, good communication, barriers down some more, and good outcome.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with Beverly. It's at 9:30 meaning I have to leave here at 8:30 at the latest. Not thinking of the possible scary treatments. Just that it'll be nice to see Beverly, and to get my IC taken care of. Then at 3 I see Shannon, 5:30 is Media Club. Friday I'm having lunch with a few friends. Saturday is Columbia's big St. Patrick's Day Festival. Sunday the pagan group I used to go to is celebrating the spring equinox. So, it'll be an awesome, eventful weekend. And things are going well.

But, as Shannon says, if we could only turn your brain off...I've been experiencing phantom smells- garlic bread, air freshener, vomit. Last time I had phantom smells, I had events- I wasn't sure if they were partial seizures or really bad dissociation. I don't think I've had those. I have a cut I don't remember getting- not entirely unusual. But I made a comment online; I don't remember doing it, and I don't remember watching the TV show I commented on either. That is odd. My seizures started with me doing things and right after I didn't remember.

I guess I should go see Dr. Taylor about this. I'm worried that she'll try to send me to a specialist, or that she'll try to take my license. I can look up the North Carolina laws...but I don't want to have a full blown seizure. This also means telling her my story. blah. So many thoughts...

Today, working out of the house, the doorbell rang. I thought Amy, the dog walker, had forgotten her key, so I answered it. (One thing I don't like about this house: frosted windows in the front and in the door, no peephole. Can't see anything). And I learn door-to-door salesmen do still exist. He asks me if I was "the lady of the house." I'm standing there, arms full of two squirming dogs, dressed in USC sweats, and that's the tack he takes. Told him I was working and no he couldn't come back later. I find it rather amusing. Bless your heart, Fort Mill.

So tomorrow is going to suck. Can't think of a positive spin to put on it. I have to drive to middle of fucking nowhere Chester County for traffic court at 2. When I called, they said I could talk to the officer who issued the ticket before court. He told me in the hospital we could talk, see if I remembered what happened.

Well, I don't remember what happened. And you, Mr. State Trooper, haven't a clue. You tried to tell my dad I hit a deer. I don't know how you can give me a ticket when no one's sure what happened, and I'm the only one who got hurt.

I don't think he'll respond to tears. So I'm going for a skirt- hey in addition to showing off my legs, it's going to be 80- and heels. Plus ration- I don't remember what happened, you didn't see, it's possible I hit another car, it's also possible someone tried to merge and hit *me*, shouldn't you err on the side of me being innocent? Best I've got.

Hopefully he'll drop it and I won't have to go before the judge. I have to be back in Charlotte at 4 for an appointment with Dr. Taylor. Thoughts on that right now:

I wish she would call me by name. She doesn't really call me anything. I got her assistant calling me Nettie (not Lynnette) by the second time. Beverly uses my name. I don't know that Dr. Birdsong did, in her office anyway. Shannon and I don't usually call each other by name. It just...weirds me out that Dr. Taylor doesn't use my name.

Other than that, hoping for an ordinary doctor's visit. Need to tell her that I'm going back to Beverly to have her handle the IC. And really need to express that my body can't keep doing this infection cycle, and does she have any ideas? And hope I'm not nervous...

Today I talked to Shannon (she's a nurse practitioner) to see if she had any ideas about getting my body off this vicious cycle of sinus infection->antibiotics->thrush + yeast infection->antibiotics don't work-> new opportunistic infections -> eventual new sinus infection.

I feel like my body is breaking down. I can't keep going through this. Aside from saying, "I hope you don't have pneumonia!" (gee, thanks, buddy), Shannon agreed with me that it's not good for my body to keep going through this.

I have allergy testing in two weeks. Shannon wants me to write down all my questions and concerns for the allergist then.

I've seen her once; Dr. Maeve O'Connor. I liked her okay, she was personable and funny; went to USC. I think they thought I was kind of an idiot; I was late cause I got really lost trying to find the office. Also when she saw the thrush she asked if I rinsed my mouth after using my inhaler. I didn't mention the continuous antibiotics. I didn't mention much at all.

I'd made my mind up not to let Dr. O'Connor in like I did Dr. Taylor, because of the overthinking thing. I guess I'll have to be- at least more honest now, than I planned.

The hope is, that allergy shots will make my allergies better, and therefore decrease the number of sinus infections. I don't know how fast they will work; if they can do the more rapid versions on me because I have a history of anaphylaxis.

Going back in to Dr. Taylor on Wednesday. At 4 when I have traffic court in Chester County at 2. Going to be tight. But Dr. Taylor herself approved putting me in so...I thought of talking to her nurse but 1) I want to make sure Dr. Taylor doesn't have any other ideas for stopping the cycle and 2) when I was communicating with Dr. Birdsong/her staff by phone, about this issue, communication really broke down by the time I stopped seeing her. I don't want that to happen with Dr. Taylor; I want my infections documented.

In other news I finally looked at cars! I like the Nissan Altima. I bumped my head getting in a Toyota Camry- clearly not made for tall people.

Also, if they put the wire payment through, I've made my first white label sale!

Excellent phone session with Shannon today. At the end she asked me, "do you feel better now?" yep. I always do when I talk about stuff with her. Even when it's hard stuff that is hard to get past the barrier to talk. She makes me feel better.

So. We decided that I should go back to Beverly, my GYN, and have her handle my IC difficulties. Even though she is in Columbia, she's a specialist, and Dr. Taylor isn't.

I like this plan a lot better. Beverly knows me- intimately, and knows my disease. And, right now, I am going to Columbia every two weeks. If I should need some sort of instillation treatment.

But, I don't need to think about that. I have a plan, a good one. I do need to figure out how to get through until Thursday with the pain and the bathroom trips and the constipation.

But, I will. And I'm going to see someone who will help me.

Shannon said she was proud of me. I'm working on being proud of me too.

Been doing some good job and networking stuff in the past few days. Yesterday:

The mayor of Charlotte, Anthony Foxx, came to my office building, Packard Place. I'd been wanting to meet him. He's following me on Twitter (I can't remember if he was before).

Last night a cool group, People DNC, was meeting at Packard Place- bloggers/independent media covering the DNC. I couldn't stay, but there's a lot of people I like in the group and I hope to get involved. A lot of stuff happens at Packard Place, it's an entrepreneurial hub.

I went to a client meeting and stayed for a meeting of the Charlotte Jaycees. They just finished a really cool project where they donated books to a slum in Kenya. They did have a guest speaker, an uber conservative running for a contested congressional seat. I sat there the whole time wanting him to shut. up. Quite a change from my old political self. Enjoyed the people though.

Today a potential client invited me to a networking lunch she was speaking at. A ton of the Jaycees were there so I had instant friends. The potential client, Mara, runs a nonprofit. And is a hugger.

So, met a lot of people, maybe some new clients. Will probably get involved with the Jaycees and People DNC. Definite progress!

So, appointment with Dr. Taylor today. I decided to save the IC etc. stuff for later and just focus on my bronchitis/whatever I have. Didn't work terribly well, I was still so nervous I was shaking. The first question she asked me, about if my UTI symptoms were better, I said I wanted to talk about it another time. And rest of the time went back to her asking me questions and me answering them monosyllabically. Which I don't like.

But, I got through it. I got antibiotics. And I'm going back on Friday to talk about the really hard stuff. But if I was this freaked out today, I'm scared of what I will be like then, knowing what I will have to talk about.

When I was leaving, after Dr. Taylor had already gone in the hall, I asked her, 'Would it be weird if I asked you or a hug?' and she said, 'Sure. It wouldn't be weird.' and gave me a hug. I really needed one right then. So, that was very cool. And very cool of her.

Doctors, medical people, ones I like and trust, are safe for me. The first person I told I'd been abused was a doctor. At one point I seriously wanted to be one.

But also scary. Touch is something I've only recently come to like and want. I also still need control.

In Columbia I had two main people I saw. A GYN nurse practicioner named Beverly for interstitial cystitis (bladder disease) and GYN stuff. Beverly is an insanely awesome person. I let her do a pelvic exam on me the first time I met her- which is unfathomable, I never trust people that much right off the bat. She talks to me on the phone herself for like ten minutes, asks me about work, knows when and where to touch me, gives me hugs if I ask, knows my history, tells me she's proud of me. Fucking. Awesome. And I love her. I plan to keep seeing her, for yearly exams if nothing else.

My primary care provider was named Dr. Birdsong. Very sweet, always looking after me as a whole person, empathetic. I saw her for six years, for a variety of things; at one point she was prescribing my antidepressants. When I left Columbia I was battling chronic sinus infections. I was afraid I wouldn't be able to find anyone here that I liked as much as Dr. Birdsong. For reasons of practicality though-I.e. driving to Columbia every time I was sick would suck- I decided to.

My new doctor here is named Dr. Lori Taylor. I like her, and the trust I guess is a process. When I met her, I said, "you have to tell me what you are going to do before you touch me." which she has been excellent at, very respectful of my boundaries. I could articulate the reasons I like her, and am choosing to trust her. But I can read people. I know if they're okay. And she is.

I ended up seeing her three times in two weeks- not the impression I was going for. First visit, later that week a UTI plus I got in my wreck, next week the UTI hadn't gone away. Third time I gave her a note saying I was nervous about new people, that I would just talk (as opposed to me answering questions monosyllabically), to ask me if there was anything I was embarrassed about, that I would try to answer her questions even if it was hard. And, that I was kickass. I felt like that visit went much better communication wise.

I'm going to see Dr. Taylor tomorrow, which is the point of all this background. Had some viral crap and now I can't stop coughing and my ear hurts. I have a lot of feelings about going to see her.

-What if I'm wrong and I don't need antibiotics? I feel like it's the worst thing in the world to be wrong in this instance.

-I finished the antibiotics for the UTI. But I'm having symptoms again. I don't know if it's a UTI or an IC flareup or a yeast infection or some combination thereof. I don't know if I should bring it up since I'm in there for something else. I don't know if I should be going to Beverly with this since she's the specialist and I don't know how much Dr. Taylor treats this.

-Okay, I'm scared to bring it up. Because some of the treatments for IC are scary and involve putting stuff inside you. And even though Dr. Taylor is very very respectful of my boundaries- last time when she touched my stomach she did it through my clothes- I'm scared she'll want to do one of those.

I want to live in Charlotte as much as possible, not Columbia. And I want one doctor who looks after all my conditions, and I've picked Dr. Taylor for that. She can call Beverly and ask her about my treatment...

-God, tears are coming to my eyes writing this. I'm obviously going to have to bring this up tomorrow. Even if to just ask if I should make another appointment to talk about it.

-Which brings me to: part of me wants to go see Dr. Taylor. Because I'm lonely, and I don't really have people here I trust enough to ask for hugs (I miss being touched), and on some level it makes me feel safe and just better. And I think about this a lot when I'm sick.

-I hate this about myself. Normal people don't think like this. I know this. I try to distract myself and really I only think so much at night when I'm not busy. If I could just get physically well my thinking would be logical and I wouldn't have a reason to go and this among many other things would be better.

-I just wanna be better. I'm sick of being sick, when I'm sick I feel like I've been sick all my life. I have better things to do. I have chronic illnesses do I have to be acutely ill all the time too?

- just..fucking better.

So been in Charlotte a month.
Good stuff:
-I like my job a lot. I work for a company called mailVu, which does video email, video testimonial widgets, and other cool stuff with video. I sell the service- people who inquire off the website, currently have free accounts, are in targeted industries (currently email marketing) and through networking.
-My boss is named Alan. He's eager to help me learn and succeed. On Fat Tuesday I had bourbon shots with him and our CIO, Addy. Cool guy.
-I live in Fort Mill, SC and work in uptown Charlotte. This means a half hour commute which can suck. I have a roommate which is surprising. But we get along. And her dog Bogie is best friends with Benson. They chase and wrestle and are quite loud.

Hard stuff:
-I feel like I've been sick the whole time I've been here. Sinus infection, UTI, resistant UTI, IC flareup. Super fun episode of thrush in my mouth from all the antibiotics, not sure if it's gone. Now I'm trying to figure out if some viral crap I had has turned into something more; I can't stop coughing. I'm tired of being sick. "and I do anything to just feel better..."
-I am lucky though, that I found a good doctor pretty soon after I got here; one I trust and have begun to confide in.
-Lonely/homesick: I miss Columbia; I miss my friends, my familiar environment, even my family. I have gone to a few networking events but all professional. On the weekends or after work I usually feel so down physically I can't force myself to go out. So I stick to Twitter and calling Shannon...

I feel like if I could get healthy I would be doing better. But then I think I'm thinking too much about being sick and aaack.

I've been blogging on some platform since 2004, largely for venting and therapeutic reasons (with detours into the education and political realms). My last venture was anonymous, because I wanted to be honest, and was afraid of fallout if real-life people found out what I was really like.

My therapist Shannon said something to me last week. In Charlotte I can be whoever I want to be. I can be someone who is not afraid.

So I need to vent, about my physical stuff and emotions and thoughts and silly things I see at the grocery store. And if people see it and they don't like it or judge me? Screw them.